We all have that one ex we regret losing. No? Only me? Ei! I knew you’d try to flaw my theory so I came prepared.
I present to you Exhibit A
:I’m not alone in this. I knew it! 25 other people as at the time of publishing share my sentiments. And I got 2 likes. You know what that means? Asεm no aka )mo akoma. They have their own stories to tell but nobody cares. Tsk tsk
I lost a lover. I lost my true love, probably my soulmate and it was all my fault. My shenanigans caught up with me. Let me not bore you. Read on
So yeah, we were both in level 100 when we met. I boarded a shuttle after a midweek Bible study class at Kwapong (Yes, Bible study😒) and as led by the Spirit went to sit by this nice girl. She’s nice. Just nice. I won’t exaggerate.
If you don’t know me I’m very tall. 6’4. I’m not showing off or anything. It’s not nice to brag about your height. 6’4 niggas don’t believe in bragging. 6’4 niggas respect short people. They make the world balanced. So yes, I have very loooong legs. I’m a multiple long jump gold medali..ei sorry.
Back to this girl, she noticed I was feeling very uncomfortable in the bus because I kept fidgeting and each time our eyes met she offered a sympathetic smile. Pain? What pain?
Luckily we both got down at Pent and I gathered vim to ask if she was at Pent.
“No oo. I’m coming to see my big sister.” Once e no be your boyfriend, we’re good my dear. We talked a little more as I walked her to Block C then waved each other goodbye. Now remember, real niggas don’t ask for phone numbers on the first day. Very important. You’re not cheap.
But I’m not a real nigga, neither am I expensive. She was on Vodafone X too (RIP to the original data packages. You’ll forever be remembered). Jack asetti
We started vibing. We vibed correct. Her mind dey roff. She didn’t chicken out whenever I ‘unintentionally’ turned our convos sexual. She rather taught me more. It got to a point I was always looking forward to her texts. She’s the main reason I started taking my phone along to the toilet.
Things got heated up. She passed through a couple of times the next week to show me levels. Hihi. I had to cuff this girl chale. Mr Eazi had nothing on me. I wanted to dey her body like skintight all the time.
But there was one little problem. I wasn’t ready for a long distance relationship. I mean, she was at Nelson and I was at Pent. There were like two oceans between us. It could be raining at my end and she’d be drying her clothes under the scorching sun at her end. This was stress. Too much stress. But for her I was ready to take the risk. So I proposed or something like that, (I remeber mumbling some words at her after busting the nut one time). She agreed and that was the beginning of my best time on campus yet.
This girl would cook for me, hit me up so we go and learn together, ignore my reckless tweets, rock me in bed, and even learnt how to play FIFA for my sake. She was a keeper! Just not good enough for my FPL team. Wife material papa paa. GTP 100 yards
Everything was going well in my life. I was a happy man with a happy girlfriend and a happy GPA (I receive it IJN! Amen). At this point meet Jacqueline or Jackie for short. I got to know Jackie through Twitter, like most of my female friends. She was one of those ‘kfb’ girls and the ones to laugh at your driest jokes. Marry those girls.
A few days to my birthday I was in the DM’s with Jackie. She was a Tech girl by the way. Normal convo saa then the issue of my birthday came up. I asked her what she was getting me for my birthday. She said I should wait and see.
Pent hall week had began and my birthday was on the Friday. Frathouse night. If you know Pent hall week, you’d know Frathouse is the highlight of the hall week. Thursday night, man make nice, took my phone, saw a missed call. It was Jackie.
“Heyy Jackie wasup?”
“I’m in your school. Your hall. Where are you?”
Yie! I hurriedly wore the infamous Pent boys’ uniform, hoodie + sweatpant and went to meet her. Jackie was fiiiiiiiine!! Body be what! Chai! We clicked instantly and she laughed harder at my jokes in my person. Everything vibely. Just as I was about to take my leave she hit me with, “Abeiku abi you know I’ll be staying at your place.”
No no no no no! Please don’t do this. My inner kramain was pleading with me to make up an excuse but my roommate had gone home for the weekend and I was worried she wouldn’t have anywhere else to stay so I agreed. I took her to my room, excused myself while she showered and went out with her to get some Perry’s. Fast forward to sleeping time. She insisted on sleeping on my bed since “I don’t know your roomie so I can’t sleep on his bed.” I offered to go sleep there and leave my bed to her.
“Are you leaving me here all alone?”
Hei! I was only going to be 5 footsteps away but your girl say yawa. Make I bed ein body. God why? Why aren’t penises detachable? So I could unscrew mine and lock it somewhere. I knew what was about to happen and I couldn’t control it. There was nothing I could do about it. It was happening. Was going dooooown!
So I slept beside her, facing the ceiling and texting my girlfriend, with Jackie’s buttocks arched towards me. She was in her night gown, a very short night gown so you could easily see the g-string struggling for air in between those two round chocolate balls. Man be man chale. I go spy small then jie my eye small. I root throughout
Finally I wanted to sleep. It was around 1:30 am. Now let me tell you something about 1am and 2am. If you happen to be sleeping by a girl you intend not to knack please make sure you’re asleep by 1am. Because from 1am the feelings that will come eh, it’s not by your might my brother.
So I positioned myself better on the bed and within seconds she had backed her ass into me so much that she could feel my erection. Enier akwaaba. I started fondling brezz. What a breasts! Firm and heavy with outstanding nipples when aroused. I suck like somebody he drop from desert fresh wey them give am pure water.
And then things happened. She rode me like her mind no dey. She took it on all fours. Wey we do wona own version of 69 with Eazi. She swallowed chale! She turn my kiddies Jonah. Jackie was the real MVP.
She woke me up like, “Happy Birthday Abeiku
Birthday sex! This was lit yo! We exhausted each other’s sex bundle and were on the bed like
Then I remembered I had a girlfriend. My girlfriend! OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE!!
Now girlfriend and I had planned on having a birthday dinner in town later in the day so I wasn’t expecting her till evening.
Then at 9:45 Am, there’s a knock on the door. I get up from under the sleeping Jackie’s boobs to go see who it is and then,
“SURPRIIIIIIIIIIISE!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABYYYY! I LOVE YOUUUU”
My girlfriend. At the door. With surprise birthday cake. Jesus take me now!
Girlfriend came into the room all bubbly and saw Honourable sleeping like a baby on the bed. IT IS FINISHED! She lifted the blanket off Jackie as if to confirm if she were really human and met Jackie’s nakedness.
At this point senior man I really no get any explanation. She kept staring at me expecting an explanation, something, anything but I gave her none. It was at this point that she burst into silent tears, placed the cake on the fridge, said “Happy birthday” and left.
I’m sure Jackie was awake throughout but didn’t want to wake up to complicate matters so she just base in her mind like
Man I was disturbed. Worried sick. This was the best girlfriend I had ever had and see how I had treated her.
Jackie woke up soon after and went all “Caaake! Yaaayyy!!!” on me. Really nigga?
So long story short, my girlfriend, now my ex, blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Tango, WeChat, Badoo, MySpace, MIS Web, everywhere. I lost her.
And Jackie also took her problems back to Kumasi. But I made sure she didn’t see daylight from Friday to Sunday. Stay inside. Stay naked. I’ll go out and buy the food. Afterall she caused all this so she must pay for it. Consolation prize. I chew saa my jaw all pain me.
So yes I’ve shared my story. Make of it what you would but my personal moral lesson is: “Date Girls Who Won’t Surprise You On Your Birthday.” I hate that shit
Written by : AbeikuLytle
Twitter handle: @AbeikuLytle